I said I wasn't going to blog during the fair. There's a few reasons. 1.) My brain is so exhausted right now that I'm not sure I trust the grammar that may spew forth. So fair warning. 2.) I'm exhausted. This equals a really testy Whitney. On a good day I don't sugar coat. On a bad one....well. Fair warning.
During the fair, I will say that I haven't had much time for social media and it's kind of nice. I do get on there to post my #WhatWhitneyAte and a few random job related posts, but I don't really get to scroll down and catch up. I've been OK with that.
I didn't hear the news about Robin Williams passing until late last night. I was in the funnel cake stand. I started to recall all the movies and shows I grew up on that he was a part of. Like everyone else, the list is endless. He was a HUGE part of our screens.
I am heart broken that he is gone. I am heart broken that it happened the way it did. Above all else, though, I am pissed at the posts that I am reading about his death on social media.
I have shared many posts, blogs, etc...about mental illness. It's very personal to me. I have dealt with it for a long time. After reading a few posts that made me want to go postal on a few people this morning, I decided to bring up an old blog of mine to read through some posts of back when I first started medication to treat my bipolar disorder. Rough doesn't even begin to cover it. I can hardly recognize the words or the person that is writing them. She is not me. She does not think like I think. She doesn't act like I act. She doesn't write like I write. She doesn't live like I live.
She. Is. Not. Me.
It is like watching (reading) a yo-yo. A human-real life yo-yo. I am up and down and doing flips and tricks and I'm here and there and it's so fast that at times it doesn't even make sense. I've read them before. It's been a long time ago. I remember thinking then what I thought this morning. These should really be deleted. But, they never will be. The truth is...these things did happen. These thoughts, whether I wanted to think them or not, were actually thought. The words were really written. Now, they are a real reminder of what I was, what I wasn't and what I now am.
I am not Robin Williams. I am not in his head and I won't even pretend to say I know what he was going through. I will say, though, that I have been in a place so dark...so cold...so alone that I could not see light at the end of my tunnel. It is not something that I can describe to you. I can't talk about it with you or tell you what that place felt like. Why? Because, I'm not there anymore. Unless you are in that place, you can not get it. Even someone who has been there before. It is absolutely impossible to grasp the amount of pain that you feel. It is unbearable. It does feel like there is nothing to live for. It does feel like the world would be better off without you. It does feel like you are the only person in this life. You feel 100% alone. But, even as I type these words, I feel like a cheat. I feel like I have no business saying them because I don't live in that world anymore.
I will say one thing, though. Unless you have been there, unless you have walked even a couple steps in those million pound concrete shoes, shut up. I can't really say that with enough emphasis. You do not get to judge. You do not get to say "How can he do this?" "How could he think his life wasn't worth living for?" You do not get to say "How selfish." You do not get to call him a coward. You do not get to say he took the easy way out. Because until you have been there. Until you have felt that raw, sickening, agonizing pain...until you have had those demons wreck your mind, your body, and your soul, you DO NOT understand and how dare you even try.
I have a tattoo on my arm. It says "Changed." It's a reminder every time I see it that I am not plagued by the darkness any longer. There are days that it still tries to sneak in and rear its ugly head, but it's been years since it's consumed me. Unfortunately, not everyone is that lucky. Not everyone is able to get out of the fog.
And for those Robin Williams' of the world...to those who can't be touched by the outside, I am sorry. I pray your demons are finally quiet, that your soul has finally found rest, and that you are changed.
"God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved."- Psalms 46:5
Whitney B. Cromley
Follower of Jesus.